It’s Tweet Tuesday!

Hi guys,

I’m really sorry to do this, but unfortunately, today’s post is kinda like the time you got your first period.  Do you remember that?  You go to sleep one day as a twelve-year-old and wake up with your insides constricting in pain, a brown stain on your undies and you’re apparently a *woman* (it was a confusing time for me). It comes every month, uninvited, and it just sucks.

Today’s post is like that.  Normally I enjoy this time with you where we can discuss cool things on the Internet and that awesome juice recipe and how life rocks!  But then I got a tweet from @GazzaMaate.  I’m not kidding, that’s his name.

GarryTheBogan tweet2

Mate, I’m not sure what you expected but I’m about to sit you down and serve you a cup of Grammar.  We will talk about the subject matter later.

The first thing you should obviously know is: I’m a writer.  Most people know this because I mention it approximately seventy billion times per blog post.  I like to think I’m pretty up with grammar.  In fact, it causes me pain when I read sentences poorly constructed like this (that’s also known as your syntax).  Believe me, I’ve read better from ten-year-olds.  But anyway, there’s neither here nor there (and that, my friends, is an example of cliché).

There are a number of worrying things about your post that we must address before we can have an intelligent discussion about asylum seekers.  I’ve helpfully put it into a list for you.

Four Things You Should Know About Grammar So You Don’t Look Like A Total Racist Jackass When You’re Whinging About Something On Twitter

(Actually, I probably can’t help you with the racist thing.)

    1. Have you heard of a homophone?  Based on your post, I guess not. Homophones are a group of words that sound exactly the same yet mean something different (and they’re also spelt differently).  An example of this would be they’re, their and there.  Now, Garry, I assume by the fact you have Twitter and presumably are typing off a computer, that you’re probably above the age of twelve.  That is really old enough to know the difference between the three words above.  It’s definitely old enough to know the difference between to and too. Let me help you out, bro.- “They’re”, of course, refers to they are. It’s also called a contraction – a shortened version of two words. You can use it in a sentence like this:
      “They’re obviously grammatically illiterate.” (Ahem.)

      – “Their” (and it really hurts my brain I have to explain this) is a possessive adjective. You use it when you’re showing possession in a word, like ‘yours’, ‘hers’, ‘mine’ etc. You can use it like this:
      “Everyone has something they regret in their life. You probably have a few things.

      – “There” relates to a place or something that exists. “Ahoy, over there!” etc. In your case, we could use it like follows:
      “Go over there. Far, far away from your keyboard.” Whatever, I’m not bitter.

    2. Next, we gotta work on your punctuation.  Buddy, I understand you’re upset.  I do. You probably have a very stressful and difficult job (and a lot of free time) but in order for your message to come across effectively, learning how to correctly punctuate your angry sentences will be good for you. Without proper punctuation, everything gets pretty confusing.Here, we have a classic case of too many exclamation marks!  These bad boys look like fun, I know.  But there’s a wrong way to use them.In fact, my good friend Baden Eunson (actually, he has no idea who I am) writes in Communicating in the 21st Century, “to maximise the impact of exclamation marks, minimise their use.” BRILLIANT! Short, sweet and to the point!He goes on to say:

      “You may think you are being persuasive and inspirational, but others may think you are merely being shrill and hysterical.”

      Hey, he said it, not me.

    3. This leads straight into my next point: your capitalisation.  While you’re certainly exercising your right to using interjections (that’s how you express feeling or attitude), paired with the excessive exclamation marks makes it have a rather undesirable effect.  In fact, it just makes me want to set fire to my laptop and I’m not at all inspired to #STOPTHEBOATS as you eloquently put it.  Eunson puts it as, “Be wary of overusing capitals. A writer can very quickly give the impression that he or she is trying too hard to impress.” Hmmmmmmmm.
    4. Finally, I’d like to make a point of your usage of the word ‘refuge’.  I know what you meant, but refuge and refugees are two separate words.  Technically, it’s not even a word, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt (hey, another cliché!). They’re both nouns, so that’s great.According to the Oxford Dictionary, refuge means:

      n.  The state of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, or difficult: he was forced to take refuge in the French embassy.

      And ‘refugees’ means:

      n.  A person who has been forced to leave their country in order to escape war, persecution, or natural disaster: tens of thousands of refugees fled their homes.

Anyway, I could go on, but that was pretty exhausting.  Happy to chat when your Tweet is improved grammar and subject wise.

Love, Alyssa.

P.S. Here’s a tip, Garry. Install the Grammarly grammar and spelling checker to Google Chrome.  It’ll put a red line under everything that’s grammatically incorrect (won’t help with the racism, xenophobic attitude though obvs.)


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